


The Paradox of Love

by nolangerardfuck



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 05:19:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1416523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nolangerardfuck/pseuds/nolangerardfuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, Tatsuya wishes being in love with Jin wasn’t simultaneously so daunting, and so addicting. (Alternatively, Jin comes back after ditching KAT-TUN for six months)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Paradox of Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jarithka](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=jarithka).



> originally posted here http://fic-the-faith.livejournal.com/35263.html for viki

  
_“You have nice hair”_

_“…Sorry?”_

_“Yeah, it’s nice, but you should dye it. Dye it blond, it would be like, the coolest. Everyone would love it.”_

_“Sorry, do I know you?”_

_“Of course you do, but I don’t know_ you _. What’s your name, pretty?”_

_“…Tatsuya Ueda. Sorry, did you mistake me for someone e—“_

_“Great, do you have money, Tatsu? I want chocolate milk. Do you like chocolate? I like chocolate almost as much as I like music; i like food_ a lot.  _How about_ American  _music, do you like it? How about…”_

You can feel them staring at you again. You wonder if people believe staring hard enough at someone unravels their secrets, or conveys some sort of secret message you’re unaware of. Being stared at mostly just makes you feel horribly anxious, as if you did something wrong again.  _Don’t turn around,_ you tell yourself. The mirror is right in front of you, avoid looking at that too. Panic,  _what do I do?_ You settle for playing with your hands idly, hoping the curious stares will subside.   
  
 _Don’t look at me, even I don’t want to look at me. Leave me alone._  
  
You don’t like looking at yourself in the mirror; because you’re the ugly duckling who doesn’t do much of anything, really. You always thought that teachers lied as you grew up, told you that  _everyone has something they’re best at, you just need to find yours._ That was just a white lie you tell a talent-less child just so they can sleep well, you now think. Not that your parents ever bothered with the you’ll-be-special-one-day talk. Your lips too big, face an unusual shape, can’t sing as well as Kamenashi, aren’t as wise as Nakamaru, you don’t entertain like Junno and Koki do; why are you here, really? Mirrors swallow all of your insecurities and project them at you sadistically.  _Go away. Leave me alone. Go away._    
  
Hiding in the shadows was always your forte, but there was a certain someone who’d never accepted that. Every day, as soon as you settled on the bench in the dance practice room, Jin used to waltz over to you with a determined look on his face. You thought,  _again?_ as he bursts into a mostly one-sided conversation about some American star you’ve never heard about, a non-existent girl who was  _totally_ eyeing him in the street the day before.  _It’s because I’m the coolest, Tat-chan; Girls love the luscious hair._   _Not everyone has a hair kink like you do, Jin._ That seems to have changed, but then again not really. He still talks about  _Jay-Z is so cool, right_ and  _hot chick totally looked at me in the train, Tatsuya._ It makes you laugh now, when you think about it. Jin always did have a knack for picking out the most mysterious person in the room and endeavouring to learn each one of their secrets.   
  


  
_“Hey, hey Tatsu, you know what?”_

_“…..”_

_“Tatsuya, come on, say_ what _.”_

_“…Yes, Jin, what?”_

_“You see that billboard? The big one on the opposite building?”_

_“I have eyes; of course I do. (Hey!) Fine, yes I see it”_

_“We’re both going to be up there one day. You and me together. We’ll be like SMAP on every billboard, Tatsu.”_

_“Us, together? Are you sure I’ll be as famous as you?”_

_“Tatsu, you see the moon? The sun and moon are both so beautiful; they shine individually, but they can’t shine without one another. The sun and moon need each other, to shine; just like I need you. We’ll be on that billboard together one day, the sun and the moon.”_

_“…I bet the sun isn’t as cheesy as you are, Jin (hey, it’s_ poetic , _Tatsu).”_

You can’t deny the fact that Jin is an important part of you, anymore. You remember a certain comment Mother had made after meeting Jin for the first time that had felt shocking at the time. In retrospect, it was probably one of the most accurate things you remember her saying.  
  
Jin had recently gotten his car licence, which he was particularly enthusiastic about; though you could argue that Jin was particularly enthusiastic about a large count of things. Jin is sometimes ironically innocent despite seeming to be in a constant  _state-of-leering._ As it goes, he showed up at your house well past sunset, all but flashing Mother a charming  _who, me?_  Grin at the door.  _Can Tatsuya go on a drive with me, Ueda-san? It’s okay right? It’s very important; I’ll make sure he doesn’t misbehave._  As it goes, you almost started giggling rather un-characteristically.  
  
You weren’t surprised in the least when Jin didn’t actually have pressing business to attend to, and rather just wanted a buddy to drag around the city with him. You figure Yamapi must’ve been busy. Or Kamenashi, or any of Jin’s other inheritably  _better_ friends.   
  
You raced through the city, wind stinging in your face and Jin’s laugh reverberating through your ears. Jin has a laugh that makes you want to laugh, too. The city seemed to fly past differently, with Jin; only with him did you  _feel_  that intense burn of colours under the brilliantly black night sky. Tokyo was alive with life, beating and in a constant state of flux; you felt it stronger than ever. At no moment were things the same as the last; they flew past too quickly to saviour, except in your memory. The city has always been tragically beautiful at night, and it rushed through you that night with Jin. Your daily life in grey was only a quiet ebb at the back of your mind.   
  
You had always liked feeling safe, had a tendency towards standing back and being the observer. It suited you, others thought so and so did you. Observe, watching people as emotions course through them. Being with Jin pushed you out of your safety zone; emotion raced through you so fast that you couldn’t possibly analyse, sort them all. It was unsafe, intense, and  _addicting._  
  
Maybe Jin was dangerous for you. He exposed emotions of yours that inevitably overwhelmed you; he still does. You deny being in love with Jin, deny him being anything more than bandmate; and friend; you deny it until he walks into the room and smiles at you. You deny it until you’re spending time with him again, until denial is nothing more than a heavy burden on your shoulders. You deny it until there’s a subtle sort of acceptance in your heart.  
  
You look at yourself in the mirror, at the stylists tugging and pulling at your hair in an attempt to transform you into the idol you’re supposed to be. You see flaws being covered with makeup one by one, _deceiving, pretending_. Not old enough to be a mature  _man_ , not young enough to be allowed mistakes under the guise of youth _._ You see a confused boy staring back at you, but one who is undeniably infatuated.  
  


  
_“He makes you happy?”_

_“…mother—“_

_“You haven’t smiled like that in a while, Tatsuya. Maybe I should thank that boy.”_

_“Mother, it’s not what you—“_

_“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Tatsuya; just don’t let him hurt you. A man who can make you smile like that can also cause you an equal amount of pain.”_

Over the years, you’ve come to accept that KAT-TUN inherently personifies an unhealthy relationship. A detrimental push-and-pull has gradually developed between certain members, which could’ve been avoided if you didn’t have to work with each other  _day_ after  _day_. The majority of days, weeks, months, spent in each other’s company can inevitably highlight every character flaw you would generally overlook in friendship. You sometimes wonder if Jin wishes he had debuted with Yamashita instead; best friends, complementing each other perfectly. Instead he had to watch from the sideline as  _Shuuji to Akira_ debuted before KAT-TUN.  
  
Jin was never particularly good at disguising his thoughts; his face reflects every emotion, which usually isn’t in his favour. You know that some people consider Jin intolerably immature, though you have a different definition of  _immature. You_  think immaturity is being unable to accept and come to terms with your desires; and you’ve never thought someone who sacrifices their own happiness for others’ sake is any  _better_ than someone who strives after their own dreams. A truly lesser person would be someone incapable of judgement with empathy.   
  
Jin’s loneliness, his disappointment; he couldn’t mask it.   
  
When he had heard the news, he was at your door resembling a lost puppy. It would have been cute, if he hadn’t looked so devastated.  _Tatsuya, he debuted with Pi. Tatsuya, is KAT-TUN over? Tatsuya, are we not good enough for him? Did I not work hard enough? What did I do wrong?_  
  
Seeing the insecurity shine in Jin’s eyes brought a painful sting to your heart; you held Jin together that night, despite being on the edge yourself as well. Jin looked so lost, and you wished you could’ve reassured him the way he needed. You were supposed to be his moon, but you were letting your sun burn out.   
  
That night you cuddled Jin on the couch, with snacks from the  _konbini_ and American romance films that Jin would never  _verbally_  admit to loving. With every giggle and  _oh god, Tatsuya, isn’t DiCaprio pretty,_ you gradually felt Jin’s tension melt away. You ended the night by falling asleep in each other’s arms as  _Titanic_  credits roll in the background. The next morning, you couldn’t help but laugh as Jin blushes at the drool stains on your shirt. You couldn’t change  _Shuuji to Akira_ ’s debut or how Jin felt towards it; you couldn’t change many things. What you could do, was put the smile back on Jin’s face for a night.   
  


  
_“I wish you would stop thinking the whole world revolves around you. Fucking_ Prince Jin _aren’t you.”_

_“Koki, just leave it—“_

_“Stop covering for him, Tatsuya. We just debuted, and he’s leaving. We worked hard for this group. As soon as it fucking pays off, he’s running off. What makes him so special?”_

_“I don’t think I’m special, I just want you to_ understand—“ 

“ _I don’t understand, and I don’t want to. If you ever come back, I’m going to break your nose.”_

You feel like the mirror is starting to mock you, reflecting arduous memories that settle heavily on your shoulders. Jin hadn’t gone quietly, a cloud of hostility surrounding the KAT-TUN he’d left behind. Kazuya seemed more anxious and snappy than ever during the six months Jin was gone; no one dared say anything in fear becoming his target. You’re thinking too hard again. It’s coming for you.  _It’s coming for you_ , and you can’t stop it.  
  
As a child, you’d always been tentative at the sea shore. The calm, shimmering waves of water had always seemed innately menacing. Are they going to pull you in? What if those calm waves turn on you; what if they’re hiding a secret? Anything could be concealed under that blue, silken tapestry that was the sea. There was something about vast, unknown beauty that terrified you.  
  
Your family had never spent much time at the beach, and when they did, your sister was constantly at the car chattering away. You used to hesitate at the sea shore alone, watching as the waves beckon you towards them. It felt like a game, the water almost wetting your toes, but never able to get close enough. You were always left behind by your peers who screamed and squealed in the water until it was home time. You had silently wished you could muster the courage to be like them.   
  
The sea, in retrospect, was no different to love.  
  
Jin had probably been one of the kids who were always scolded by their mother for whining about why they weren’t allowed in the deep end.  _I can’t wait until I’m old enough to not swim between the flags anymore._ No one had told him that even as an adult, you had to swim between the flags. You could never get away from following rules; they’re one of the intrinsicalities of life. The rules won’t change for anyone.   
  
Jin was one of those kids who fought with the sea, and declared,  _I’m not afraid of **anything**_.   
  
Not afraid of anything;  _growing sick of swimming between the flags, ironically, only six months after debut._ You shouldn’t have been so afraid of the sea. You should have dived into the water fearlessly. But maybe, no one really was fearless in this world. Even the kids who wanted to swim outside the flags. Even Jin, who couldn’t hide his crestfallen looks in front of you. Where else could these expressions stem from, except from the fear of being forgotten? Fear is unconditional.   
  
Love, in contrast, is like the tide you perpetually hesitate in front of. No one can ever accurately predict what would happen the next second, fleeting highs of passion immediately chased with pain. Jin’s love was perpetually raging at high tide, and you could never stay away. When the high tide waned, you were left shivering and disorientated.   
  
You know Jin had never been afraid of restrictions, or too fond of hesitating on  _what if_ s. If he really wanted something, he would have never let the flags deter him. You remember Jin’s confession one night, a whispered  _I’m afraid of waking up in ten years’ time and wondering what went wrong, wanting to rewind my life back until I find the moment I fucked it up. I’m afraid of fucking it up._ Jin was passionate about America, about tasting a part of the dream he couldn’t let go of. You could never have held it against him.   
  
 _I just want you to understand._  
  
Irrational hate, irrational pain surrounds everyone in the six months of Jin’s absence. You wonder what it would be like if you go back three years, before Jin’s departure and KAT-TUN’s debut, tell the group of what will await them. You know how they would react;  _KAT-TUN is important to me, I wouldn’t leave like that. We wouldn’t be angry at Jin anyway. We would understand; we’re brothers. We’re brothers. That would never happen._  
  
You would tell your younger self,  _be careful of drowning with the tide._  
  
Love is a topic you’re not fond of talking about. Ideal type jokes are predictably abundant, but you never discussed your hopeless infatuation. Maybe you should’ve; maybe talking about it would’ve opened up your eyes. You remember a moment of Summary backstage, when Jin had somehow included you in a conversation between him and Yamashita. Jin had gone off to get his makeup done, leaving you alone with his best-friend. You don’t know how it happened; perhaps Yamashita took a glance at your eyes, and saw it. He talked, you didn’t reply, but he knew. Yamashita knew. You were more careful, after that.  
  


  
_“Tatsuya, let’s go. Why aren’t you getting up?”_

_“He has to get his makeup done, Bakanishi.”_

_“No one asked you, Yamashita Pink. Tatsu looks prettiest without makeup, anyway. Hurry and come quickly!”_

_“…”_

_“Have you told him that you’re in love with him? You know, Jin doesn’t notice these things even if it’s right in his face. Jin can’t tell; it’ll just hurt you.”_

You were never particularly spiritual, didn’t pray for a salvation or anything like that, but internally you knew that everything happens for a reason. You wonder if things would’ve been different if Jin had stayed for those six months. Things would’ve been easier, and you wouldn’t have had to get used to that hole of Jin’s absence. His absence was like a too-long solar eclipse; you were just looking out for your sun. The moon was just waiting for its sun.   
  
Moon;   
  
                              lunar;   
  
                                                            lunacy; 

 _Crazy._  
  
No one received excessive prior notice of Jin’s return. During the time he was gone, he hadn’t contacted you; although you know for a fact that Jin hadn’t contacted  _anyone._ It wasn’t too hard to gather; Yamashita had been borderline unapproachable for weeks due to the fact that Jin ‘had forgotten about him’. If Jin wasn’t calling Yamashita, he wasn’t calling anyone.   
  
You guess Jin thought he would return to find the same loyal  _brothers_ he left behind, still waiting for him patiently. After a solar eclipse, the sun re-emerges and shines as bright as ever. The sun doesn’t return to find a chain of fallen dominoes, with itself as the pushing force. In the end, it wasn’t KAT-TUN without the A, just like Yamashita was lost without his P _in._ Everyone wanted their sun back.  
  
“You look pretty when you’re deep in thought,” and it’s Jin appearing behind you,  _of course it is._  
  
“ _You_ look tired,” because Jin does, and his characteristic smile is missing; the enthusiastic grin that made people the entire world over fall in love.  
  
“I said  _hello_ and only a few staff replied. Kame was listening, I know he was! …but he ignored me.” Jin is chewing at his lip with his eyes downcast, and you realise that no matter how much partying he did in America, he’s still  _Jin._ He’s still your radiant sun, with insecurity dimming his light. You almost feel like scolding Kazuya for making Jin look like that; you can’t help it.  
  
Silently, you rise from your chair and approach Jin, enveloping him in a tight hug. Words aren’t right at times; for now you just need Jin to  _feel._ You need him to know everyone is still there;  _that everyone understands._  
  
“Tatsuya, what if they don’t really want me back?” It’s whispered into your neck, and you feel Jin tighten his arms around your neck. Your heart aches.  _It’s high tide again._  
  
 _“_ It’s the first day, first concert back, Jin. We’re still here, just give it some time.”  
  
“Are  _you_ happy I’m back?” The question is paired with signature puppy eyes that make you lean back from the embrace, and look Jin in the eyes. It’s still the same needy Jin, unafraid to dive head first into the sea.  
  
“The moon was lonely without his sun.” and the expression of needy expectation morphs into satisfaction, into love and elation and messed of every emotion in-between. It’s Jin, about to sing with you again, and  _you love him._  Moon; lunar; lunacy.  _Crazy._  
  
It makes you crazy; you love him.  
  
“It’s encore time, lets hurry,  _my_ leader,” the way Jin emphasises  _leader_ makes you blush a little ridiculously.  _Get it together, Tatsuya._  
  
Being pulled through the backstage halls by Jin, adrenaline pumps through you faster than you can remember at any other concert. It’s different, somehow. You’ve debuted; you got through the  _Shuuji to Akira_ fiasco which almost disbanded KAT-TUN; Jin is back. It’s different. You don’t know where you’re going to be after another six months’ time; you don’t even know where you’ll be tomorrow. What you do know, is that the sun is back, and the tide is high. Jin grins and says  _Tadaima_ as he joins you, finally, and you can’t help but think,  _the mirror can’t hurt me anymore._  
  


  
_“Hey Tatsuya, that was cool right? Wasn’t it cooler with me back?”_

_“Sure, Jin.”_

_“You’re not being_ enthusiastic  _enough! We’ll take over the world, take over America. You and me. KAT-TUN. We’ll rise like the sun and moon. We’ll be_ global. _”_

_“…did you know America and Japan aren’t considered ‘global’? Shocking that there are other places too, I know.”_

_“You ruined my_ speech _, Tatsu!”_  



End file.
